exhausted.
i'm tired tired tired tired tired. i have no idea how to go on anymore. i'm so close to the verge of breaking down. i haven't felt this way in a long time. since jc if i'm not wrong. i'm at the dead end of my wits. i feel drained of any life.
i just wanna dig a hole and hide in my own world and not come out. but reality is harsh and doesn't allow me to do so. i wish i could run away. far far far away. but that's not the solution i know. they say it'll make me stronger. i know it will. but i just wish that time would come quicker.
i wish i could just disappear. or wave everything away. can i?
I can't help but think how deceitful the heart is. How it creeps up on you and catches you unaware. Esp just when you think you have everything under control. And how it is so fond of wrestling with your head. I can't understand how it is when even though you're so sure of something with "all you head", your heart still tries to play games with you and throw you off your feet.
I admit to be someone v emotional. Sometimes even too emotional. Thing is I'm usually sure of what I want. And of cos what I dun. And I definitely know what's good for me and what I should do as well. But why is it so hard to do what the mind says? It seems so much easier to slip back into the pattern of what the heart says is the way. Isn't it so weird?
I need all the mental strength and will power I have on this one. Feels like the challenge of conquering mount everest. The struggle to get to the peak seems never-ending. Just when you think you're getting there, you realise there's still a long way to go. By then you're so tired of tolling that you feel like just giving up.
Seems like the battle to stay true to oneself isn't that easy at all. I'm close to yielding again to the seemingly glitz that the world can offer. But I know that it's not a permanant solution. I just hope that this battle within and without will be worthwhile..
ILL
Ill. I would use to word sick but my professor told me today that sick is for those sick in the head. so fine. I've been ill. :(
Nothing much happening. Been ill the last few days as a result of insufficient rest. Rather ridiculously insufficient rest. Time's been either spent partying hard or hard at work (cracking my head at forecasting or else i'll end up forever as a loser accountant according to someone) so much that I haven't had much time to sleep. OMIGOSH. I'm even amazed at my own energy. I can't even fall asleep in the afternoon even though I'm supposed to rest cos I'm so sick. I just keep thinking about the pile of work chasing my BACKSIDE.
Help help help help! I think I'm almost at my wits end. I need a miracle.
everyone's getting hitched
Why is everyone getting married? OMG. My cousin's getting married. My friend's getting married early next year and apparently my other friend and my ex-bf are both getting married end of next year! My commitment phobic ex-bf. At least that's what he told me when we broke up. I sometimes wonder if there's a problem with me. People always seem to be unable to commit when in a relationship with me. Dun understand why. Maybe it's because I haven't found "the one".
When I was younger, I used to believe in the all so sacred - "THE ONE". I met my ex bf and I really thought he was the one, despite all his flaws. Just because I thought there was something more beneath the tough exterior. Because I thought we had the same goals in life. Well, I must have been really stupid and naive because he's definitely not "THE ONE". Like duh.
I seem to be always wrong anyways. Somehow the ppl I think that have something more beneath their tough exteriors dun actually have anything more. Maybe I'm a bad judge of character, maybe it's my own wishful thinking or maybe i was just PLAIN BLIND. I guess when emotions are involved, ppl just believe what they want to believes. It really takes an outsider to really see what's going on and wake you up from your incredulous dreams. That I thank my "outsiders" for it, for telling me the truth even when it stings.
Now, after growing much older and definitely wiser, I no longer believe in "THE ONE". I hope it's not a result of being jaded. I hope it is just me being a lot more realistic. I believe that "THE ONE" is just someone who will work on the relationship with you and never give up on you. But it's hard to find someone like that. A friend was telling me last night that she hopes to find someone who loves her the way she was. But I think that's insufficient. I think you need to find someone whom goals in life will coincide on the same path as yours and whom makes you the best you can be. And you need someone who as the same ideals about love as you do. Basically, you need to find someone who loves you the way you are, whose life goals coincide with yours, makes you the best you can be, who has the same ideals about love and whom will never give up on you on matter how hard the going gets. Am I too idealistic or are my standards too high? I have no idea. But I think everyone needs someone like that to spend their life with.
Honestly, I think to find someone like that is a practically a miracle. But it doesn't mean that anyone should compromise and settle for 2nd best. But it's difficult. I know it. Maybe impossible.
Keeping my fingers REAL crossed! ;p
Carry me back.
Lay in bed for a long time last night not being able to fall asleep with so many things running through my head. Guess i've been running away from thinking for a long time. But it's time to put things in order. It's been dragging on for far too long. Too much emotions spent, too much time wasted. What's left is emptiness and exhaustion.
I remember the bible saying that "Your grace is sufficient for me". But I think Your grace is more than sufficient for me. An unworthy me. I can't begin to say how grateful I am. Though times are tough, I'm sure I'll pull through. I've always envied those who had it so easy in life. Never could understand why I had and have to go through so much shit. Sometimes I think that it's self inflicted. But maybe it's part of the plan. Whatever it is, I hope it is for the better.
I want very much to go back to the days where He was the air I breathed, the only one who held my heart, my reason for living. I've gone far too far away for far too long. I dunno if it's even possible to ever return to that childlikeness I had; back to my first love.
I remember listening to a sermon 5 years ago in church which impacted me a huge deal. He said that no matter what life goes on. The world is not gonna stop spinning and wait for you to get over. So even if you got raped, move on! It's harsh, but oh so true. So thus my new blog title - life goes on.
I'm guessing only those who knew me before I was 19 would know what I'm talking about. The person I was 4 years ago and the person I am now are worlds apart. I can't think of any conceivable way there is to turn back time. I'm too exhausted to even try. But I guess He would know how to carry me there?
I have no idea what to do. I need divine intervention.
