a new beginning. or not.

I have absolutely no self discipline. I was supposed to start studying for the nego exam since yest. But until now i'm still at the first chapter. Makes me wonder how on earth is it possible for me to finish. Still have a nego analysis paper due next week and tons of projects. Not to mention all the upcoming midterms. Doesn't help matters that i'm absolutely lost in tax planning. Lesson every week just serves to further demoralise.. Tons of readings for AMA that I've to do. I haven't even got past a single reading for week 1. This is absolutely frustrating. Built on the fact that i'm still mulling over not being able to get my exchange to Emory.

My life seems in a mess. Wasn't I supposed to be a high flyer just like the rest of my secondary school friends? What happened along the way i dun understand. Am i not smart enough or is it because i do not have the same amount of tenacity and discipline or is it because i'm plain lazy and only have myself to blame. I really dunno. I just can't wait for this sem to be over. I'm sick and tired of this rat race. I can't wait to get away.. I want some peace. I want to be at peace with myself.

Trying to curb the mj addiction has proven to be extremely hard for me. I've never been addicted to anything in my life. But i realised that mahjong might just be it. Thoughts of it just come to mind regardless of whether i'm awake or asleep. I dunno if it's cos i find the whole dynamics of the game intriguing or am i just a gambler. Haven't played since wed and am feeling the withdrawal symptons alr.

Was invited for a good friday play in church last night. The place reminded me of the good old days in church when everything was so simple. Reminded me of myself in the past. I know i've changed a great deal over the past 2 years. Gone is the God-fearing, fervent person that knew her destiny. In place is the person who just lives from day to day not knowing where to go. Many factors led things to the way it is now. But guess it was a personal choice. I always thought that one day I would always get back there. But i'm not too sure anymore. Oh well.

posted by just me @ 5:39 PM